On Her Majesty's Secret Service

It is with a heavy heart and an even heavier sense of duty that I feel compelled to address the latest scandal emerging from Elderberry Bottom.

Whilst munching his way through the latest edition of ‘The Stage’ magazine (carelessly discarded by some local thespian), Spartacus's eye was drawn to an advertisement for the (soon to be vacant) position of the nations favourite spy.

‘Looks, courage, sophistication, intelligence and charm’ were the criteria for all applicants and astonishingly the poor deluded sole has decided that he is suitable material to become the next James Bond.

I shall allow a moment for readers to stop laughing………Thank you.

In an hilariously epic fail to ‘Grease the palm’ of the director, the useless buffoon was spotted in the vegetable patch trying to convince an exceptionally overfed brassica of his imagined tales of derring do. Disappointed in the lack of response from the burly plant he was heard to complain that the Chubby Broccoli had no business being involved in espionage. This unfortunate misunderstanding has done little to convince industry insiders that he possesses the intellectual depth required for a secret agent. 

Myself and the ‘Gals’ gently tried to discourage him. Princess Mabel addressed his lack of sophistication by reminding him that after consuming one shaken Martini he spent the afternoon trying to eat the compost heap and subsequently attempted to court a wheelbarrow. 

Eunice recalled his success (or lack thereof) with the ladies - a prerequisite for the role.Although he struts around the paddock with the delusion that he is irresistible to the fairer sex, the unfortunate reality is that his romantic career was concluded by a veterinary professional several years ago. His success with the ladies can only be described as historical. 

Blossom, bless her young naive heart came to his defence by championing his athletic capabilities. This is technically correct! He can leap 6 feet sideways if spooked by a butterfly.  

Sadly, like his cousin Andrew, Spartacus possesses the same confidence to competence ratio, namely far too much of the former and alarmingly little of the latter. 

To my loyal subjects, I ask that you remain calm. Spartacus’s Bond application is unlikely to progress.Should Elderberry Bottom be called upon to provide Bond candidates, I believe there are superior options. I, for example, would be the archetypal  ‘M’. Possessing excellent judgement, impeccable breeding and a commanding presence.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to matters of state.Poo Girl appears to be carrying a bucket of goat treats and requires supervision.As always, the management of humans remains the true burden of royalty.

HRG Queen MyrtleSupreme Ruler of Elderberry Bottom,Mistress of the Mineral Lick,and Reluctant Sister to Spartacus.