Dear Humans,
’Tis I, your very own Royal resident HRG Myrtle I.
We, the Herd, are slowly but naturally adapting to our new station in life.
I like to think despite our recent elevated rank that I haven’t changed at all. I have come to realise in fact that we are not too dissimilar to your very own House of Windsor. I, like the late, great Queen Elizabeth II, remain ethereal & understated whilst still retaining an element of modesty so endearing to you humans.
Mabel, my daughter, the hard working doyen of the ‘firm’, coiffed of hair if a little long of face.
Eunice our very own pushy Princess and finally ‘Prince’ Spartacus, our sweatless, chinless wonder and patron of a well known Pizza franchise near Woking. (Less said about that the better!)
As we all have new titles I thought it only right and proper that Poo Girl received a promotion! She will now be officially referred to as ‘Lady in waiting to her Majesty’s Chamber Pot’ (although she will always affectionately be known as ‘Poo’ to me)
Naturally we now demand the highest of standards and feel the need to upgrade the quality of hay we are being supplied with. As a result it has come to my attention that we are missing out on a fabulous money making scheme to boost the coffers of The Duchy of Elderberry Bottom!
In fact bottoms play a major role in this new scheme and here’s why…….
It has always fascinated me to watch Poo girl continually sweeping up and collecting our deposits, banking them away in a large pile nearby. Small humans have been known to shriek in delight as we produce, and furthermore, our passing canine friends find them delicious and nutritious .
It’s obvious to me that there is a value in our perfectly formed Goat Berries and I have previously seen an exchange of money taking place whilst bags of our waste have been taken away by satisfied customers.
Eureka!!! All that is needed is a good marketing strategy…. Simples!
Initially I thought we could name it after the original Elderberry Herd, that of course is myself Myrtle and my brother Spartacus. The only problem is ‘Myrtle and Spartacus Poo’ is a bit of a mouthful (in a figurative way)
However, if you shorten it to M & S Poo it has a real ‘ring’ to it.
I’ve decided the tag line should be ‘This is not just Poo…… this is M & S Poo’. What do you think???
I am indeed a marketing genius!!!! who else could have come up with such a remarkable idea??
Anyway, must sign off as the grass is growing, I’m feeling a little peckish and I have goat berries to produce.
Till next time
HRH Myrtle
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