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  • Writer's pictureMyrtle the Goat

The Milking Machine!

Dear Humans,

I thought I’d better update you all with what’s been happening at Elderberry Bottom, home of The Dirty Old Goat Soap Goats, (and ME, the famous Myrtle)

I should explain that for the past several years we have employed our care provider Tracy as not only poo sweeperupper, chef and cuddle provider but also Chief Milk Maid. Alas I can only describe her milking technique as clumsy and perfunctory however on the ‘up’ side she took so long to complete the task that we were able to indulge ourselves with extra food whilst she tugged away.

We knew something was afoot when a couple of months ago she took delivery of a large shiny machine which was installed in the milking shed. She explained that as there were now quite a few of us ‘gals’ to milk that she needed some mechanical assistance There was much “oooing” and “ahhing” and a great cacophony of noise when she started it up.

After encouraging (in fact bribing) me onto the milking stand she then attempted to attach some device to my nether regions.

I am sure that those readers who have had the experience of their unmentionable bits being vacuum packed into a small tube will know that this can come as a bit of a shock!

I immediately indicated my displeasure by delivering a swift hoof to Tracy’s face which she had conveniently placed at udder level. There was a lot of “toing” and “froing” whilst she attempted to cling onto my leg before she finally gave up.

A few days later she rather shame faced confessed that she had been looking up ‘leg restraints’ on her computer which apparently took her to some rather unusual websites!

Nevertheless she persevered with the mechanical milk maid until I, and the rest of the girls had a ‘Camp Granada’ moment, or epiphany if you like!

Suddenly we realised that it

was far more comfortable than Tracy fumbling away in her clumsy attempts at milking. Additionally I started to improve my physique and although I haven’t quite developed a 6 pack yet, I no longer have a barrel!!


Myrtle the Goat. X

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